Free Me

Dramatic title, I know. I've been doing that thing where I listen to The 2nd Law by Muse. Brilliant album, but it hits a little too close to exactly how we humans really are destroying our world for me to listen to it the way I do other music I like. So I have to listen sparingly. Today I couldn't listen through the whole thing and had to switch to the Crow soundtrack, which is much more violent and scary sounding overall. But it's fantasy. The comic the movie was based off may be absolutely saturated with all the pain that James O'Barr tried to dull by writing it, but even then, it's not something that reflects my personal reality. The movie? Entertaining and touching at times, but still fantasy. Safe.

I stopped on the song "Explorers" (and now you know where the title came from.) The lyrics are horrendously relatable. Even if I've stopped listening it, I can't stop thinking about how I personally (and probably many others along with me) "free" myself.

I keep up with politics, especially American politics. I also sign petitions and vote. Sometimes I even bother to call my legislators' offices if something pisses me off enough and I know there are a bunch of other people calling about the same thing at the same time. But none of this means I have any faith in the political system or my government to do enough to make all the shit we're starting to go through due to our reckless use of any resources we can get our hands on go away. Nor do I believe anything I do as an individual will be of much help, even if I go out of my way to do some of the right things anyway just to feel like I have some control.

If you're human and you're alive right now you probably feel similar. Or you may be suppressing similar feelings. Don't misread this--I haven't given up on life. I've given up on the world continuing for very long as it is, that's all. And that's all right. It has to be all right, because I can't do anything about it. I'm not going to die anytime in the near future, so I need to use my time now as best I can.

How to do that, though? Especially when making futile attempts at changing the course climate change is taking us on doesn't even make me feel much better? I'm trying to do everything that feels worthwhile as soon as I can. So I'm working on the novel about the characters I've been obsessing about since I was fifteen and plan to try to get it published. That doesn't mean I expect it to get published, but I may as well try before I just toss it online free of charge for anyone who can manage to find it in the vast data sea. I'm planning sewing and cosplay projects for as soon as I've got access to a sewing machine. Cosplay makes me happy, and sometimes my cosplays seem to make other people happy, and it's an interest I have in common with people I love. Not to mention I have a more general sort of love for anyone I hold it in common with. Worthwhile.

I submerge myself in the data sea that is the internet, and make it a part of my life. I can't spend all my time on the internet, nor would I want to--I'd burn out. But I love learning and reading and looking at pretty things. And contributing to that vast body of content for people that enjoy the same things as me by documenting the beauty (created and found) in my own life is also satisfying. So I put plenty of time into that.

I'm working on a degree right now, too. It's putting me in contact with people that are interested in the same things as me, and I'm learning other interesting things that might make me money in the short term. Most of all it's gaining me access to all kinds of information, some of which will continue even after I leave the university since it comes from being able to read things in other languages. A decent investment, although probably not in the financial sense. What I'm getting out of this isn't something you can put a dollar amount on, but I'm finding my interest drifting. It's still worthwhile for now, though. Only one year left, if scheduling works out well for me.

Most of all, I want to reach out to people more and put myself in a better position to be with more of the people I love more often. I have a vague idea of how I'll do that, but that's mostly a wait-and-see thing for now. In the mean time, all I can do is scrape together a few extra dollars and watch the Megabus website like a hawk for bus tickets for when I have breaks from school, and go out of my way to talk to people online (if you know me very well you might be raising your eyebrow skeptically at me by now. Reaching out to people doesn't come naturally to me, you see. I'm working on it.)

In short, being self-centered. Withdrawing. None of this is actually "freeing" myself or anyone else. It's more creating a personal bubble (not carving a niche--the fragility of a bubble is a much more appropriate metaphor in this situation) where I do belong within a world that may not have much of a place for me. But it's something. No matter what the future brings, being happy-but-idle now is better than giving up on my life prematurely.