Thoughts While Clothes Shopping

I've been reading a lot of musings (mostly from fellow goth, lolita, and vintage enthusiasts) on personal style. One point that came up pretty often was that there may be a certain aesthetic you follow, but that gets boring pretty fast if you follow the "rules" precisely without making up your own. I feel no need to contribute another personal style post, but I have developed some pretty regular thought patterns that occur whenever I go clothes shopping, and those seemed potentially amusing. So, without further excuses:

DARTS ARE EVIL. Evil, evil darts. Especially in the chest, because with my binder they make for little flaps of fabric that look awkward as fuck. Even when the fabric is dark enough and the darts are subtle enough so they aren't too noticeable, I WILL STILL NOTICE THEM. And they will bug me. Same goes for jackets (which generally aren't actually a big deal if I don't button then). And it basically also means no (more) dresses.

Everything must go with other things. Which in my case basically means it must be black. Because I don't want to go practically taking the whole store home with me. There were a number of years during which I didn't really think about this and snapped up anything that tickled my fancy, and some pretty interesting outfits resulted from the mix. I sometimes look back at the photos from when I was sixteen with a bit of nostalgia, but when I actually put on--say, that bright red probably polyester sweater with the quilted front that I used to like to wear with my black bondage collar so much--I just don't feel as good about how they look. And the red PVC dress to the left has darts, anyhow o_____o.

Pastel dresses with puffy sleeves and skirts don't actually suit me. They may be adorable on others, and I could probably look adorable in them as well with the right accessories and make-up, but I just don't like pastels enough on myself to bother.

EW CLINGY JERSEY CRAP. It's everwhere. Especially in the womens' section. Once in awhile it's almost tempting. But mostly its just gross and I manage to ignore it. Sometimes I see something that looks like it would be awesome if it were made from better fabric, which is kind of saddening.

I like clean and simple designs. This is actually more of a problem in alternative speciality stores and the internet when I see things that are covered in zippers and chains and lace and think they look cool in the photos. But actually they don't. Once I try to imagine them on me they just scream "trying too hard."

I WANNA BE QUIRKY and have neon plastic party favor-y things dangling off my ears and pinned to my clothes and buy cute eighties clothes that that aren't black and look vaguely like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink... oh wait, I actually don't. At least, not after the novelty of whatever funny-looking thing I bought wears off. This is an impulse that crops up a lot at Mauer Park flea market.

OOH PERFECT MELLO SHOES--wait, Mello's not that girly. I've been looking for a pair of black leather dress boots for my Mello cosplay for nearly a year now. Every once in a while I come across a fairly nice looking pair--or at least, until I pick it up and find that it has heels. They don't even have to be tall or thin--any kind of heel, and it seems like they automatically make my feet look girly and dainty instead of big and stompy and intimidating like Mello's feet ought to look. This is relevant because I'm pondering making my Mello shoes my regular shoes as well (work boots as a default pair since my current pair is getting pretty worn, and dress boots as my dress shoes to replace the cheapass pair I originally got for high school band concerts.) That is, if I can find good quality AND accurate shoes for a price I can actually afford XD.

Fact or fiction?

Same thing, almost. They're both things we make up. It's just that we assume facts always represent reality, and fiction doesn't. Kind of a silly distinction, I think. Although I suppose it's conducive to our sanity to believe in facts to some degree.

I've been watching a lot of factors regarding this thought converge in my life recently. For example, I'm currently taking a course on Alan Moore's treatment of the Victorian era in his work. An interesting point that came up was how Moore uses Victorian fiction as source for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen like a historical fiction writer uses historical texts. The biggest difference between the two being that the historical texts represent history as it was recorded, but it's not the same as having actually been there, whereas Victorian novels ARE what happened. When we pick up a copy of, say, Dracula, we get more or less the exact same text that its first readers in the Victorian era got. The fictional text is, in a way, a better representative of what people experienced in the era it was published.

Then there's my other English lit course, which focuses on Paradise Lost--a fictional adaptation inspired by mythology which many believed (and some still believe) to be an accurate representation of human history. As interesting as the Abrahamic ways of interpreting the world seem, it's always so much easier for me to interact with that set of beliefs as fiction.

Really, I think I interact with most second-hand information I'm presented with as though it's fiction. Sometimes I actively decide to assume that something truly is exactly the way someone else says it is, but not when I feel like I don't have to. This mode of thinking makes another class I'm taking that focuses partially on journalism a little bit hilarious at times.

Not that I don't believe good journalism is possible and valuable. I do. (Although incidents like the Boston marathon bombing sometimes result in many popular news sources challenging that belief.) Nonetheless, I don't really read most news articles as information, but rather as what someone else is telling me about something they've (hopefully) researched. It might be a decently accurate representation of reality, but it's not like I usually have enough first-hand experience to know that for sure (and if I did--which would probably require me to somehow be multiple people at once--there wouldn't be much point in me reading the news article for its content alone.) This doesn't bother me much because most of what gets covered in the news doesn't really affect me directly, anyway.

Because of this outlook, I have very little interest in writing factual reports and papers. It's not in our nature as individuals to be capable of being truly objective, so even if what I'm saying is broadly applicable enough so it accurately reflects whatever reality I'm writing about for all of my readers, why bother? Why not just admit that everything we say and think is subjective (albeit often times in a way that either does or should apply to most other humans), and that the only truth we have any hope of telling with anywhere near perfect accuracy is our own?

Our own truths--what we feel, what we perceive--aren't bound by facts. They just are. Sometimes using facts can help other people understand them, but they just get in the way if you concern yourself with them too much. In fact, the more I get away from some of the facts of my own life, the easier it is to express some semblance of my truth.

Uplifting Things #3

You thought I ran out of uplifting things last Monday, didn't you?

Music video: "This Corrosion" by The Sisters of Mercy

Yeah, the music video is waaaay shorter than the song. But there's something particularly energizing about watching Andrew Eldritch strutting around playing with his mic stand XD.

Novel: Alice's Adventures Under Ground by Lewis Carrol

I got my hands on a facsimile of the original manuscript that Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was based off of, which has the entire story as it was first written out (by hand!) as a gift to Alice Liddel. It's much easier to imagine Dodgson telling Alice this story when looking at his own handwriting and drawings, and the extra dimension it (not to mention Dodgson's drawing of Alice Liddel at the end, which is considerably different from the blonde, long-haired Alice we know that appears throughout the rest of the book) adds to the story makes it an especially uplifting version.

Comics: Zankoku na Kami gaShihaisuru by Moto Hagio (current scanlator can be found here)

Due to the subject matter, this really oughtn't be categorized under "uplifting things". In fact, it's probably triggering for a fair number of readers. It's about a teenage boy who is repeatedly raped by his stepfather (he puts up with it for awhile for the sake of the guy's marriage to his mother, but eventually tries to escape the situation by screwing around with the brakes on his stepfather's car. A plan which works, but goes terribly wrong and kills his mother, too). So a number of horrible, horrible things happen in this story. And yet whenever another chapter gets translated I get so excited because Moto Hagio has such a delicious sense of drama o__o.

Place: Alter St-Matthäus-Kirchhof, Berlin

This place has an oddly calm vibe for being in the middle of a city. It's especially surreal when the nearby market is taking place or if an emergency vehicle drives down a nearby street. Nonetheless, the cemetery itself feels very quiet. There are a number of gorgeous structures and sculptures, as well as plentiful vegetation. Also a cat. Or at least, I saw a cat wandering around there once--dunno if it actually lives there.

Albums: Raven in the Grave by The Raveonettes

First and last songs aside (which are more like bright morning sunlight), this album is kind of energizing in the same way as a mild thunderstorm. Beautiful and haunting is a clichéd way to describe music, but it really fits in this case (and I think I've already covered not being able to do music justice with words. Go listen already XD.)

Berlin, you little thief.

It happened near Potsdamer Platz. Not that I especially like or dislike Potsdamer Platz, but it was during the first couple days of the Berlinale, and the atmosphere must have gotten to me. Berlin stole a chunk of my heart. Not a big one, but enough so I noticed. It wasn't as big a deal then--I still had plenty of time left.

Now it's April and I've got less than four months. Still plenty of time, but my stay in Berlin is nonetheless more than half over. The reality that I will be going back to the United States--possibly never to return--is becoming more and more solid. Even if that's practically a whole semester, I don't think it'll be enough time to find the missing chunk of heart.

And even if I did, I don't think I'd want it back. It wouldn't fit right. This city will have probably tossed it around and sucked on it and played with it and so on. The damage is permanent, so I guess the amount of time I have left here doesn't matter all that much.

Now that I think of it, I think London must've nicked a tiny piece, too. I was there for a little less than a week, and I already miss it. Sometimes I feel like going somewhere in that area and get all excited, then a second later I remember, "oh, wait, you'd need to take a twelve-hour night train to Paris and then another two-hour ride to London and it would be ridiculously expensive if it's only for one day." I've been in Berlin for over six months already, and once I've left it'll take a multi-legged/hundreds-of-dollars plane trip to return. I can scarcely imagine how it'll feel when I start thinking, "oh, I should go to the Mauer Park flea market this weekend" and I'm in Minneapolis. Or when I decide I want macarons and bubble tea, then remember that the Tea Garden doesn't have macarons (which reminds me I should really start working on my not-yet-existant hoarde of Leone pastilles. May as well put off missing those as long as I can XD.)

Much as I love Berlin, I'm also not looking foward to the simple fact of re-adjusting to new surroundings. I've become quite used to my current location, and even developed a reflexive tendency to refer to my dorm as "home". The more open schedule that comes with my current classes and living within walking distance (or at least convenient bus-riding distance) from my university certainly don't hurt, either.

Not that going back home won't be nice, though. After all, the knowledge that I will be going back is what gets me through missing my family and friends back home. It's just that I won't have that knowledge to get me through missing Berlin. Here's hoping that my love of Minneapolis and all that comes with it will be enough.

Packing

Over my spring break (which was nearly two months long since my university has winter and summer semesters instead of fall and spring) I went traveling for a month straight. I did not feel like bringing more than one bag. Specifically, the backpack I normally use as a school bag. It's not huge, but not tiny either--big enough to hold my laptop and an assortment of notebooks, folders, and textbooks in the main compartment. Or in this case, my laptop, sketch book, socks, underwear, shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in, and my Mello vest (because I stopped at an anime convention in Sunderland and I hate to miss an opportunity to cosplay.)

You'll note a lack of extra clothing in there. That's because I wore the same outfit for an entire month straight. Even when I went to the anime convention, I included Mello's pants (jeans, because around his first appearance in the manga that's what he appears to be wearing), jacket, and boots in my everyday outfit, so the only thing that had really changed was my shirt (and I suppose my headgear--I wear a wig for Mello, which had been in one of the pockets in my bag for most of the trip.) I did laundry twice, but my sweater wasn't machine-washable and the two shirts I had over it couldn't go in a dryer, so the only thing that actually got washed were my jeans (and of course socks and underwear o__o.)

And it actually worked out pretty well. My sweater was merino, so it didn't get very smelly even though I wore it for almost a month straight without washing it. The weather stayed fairly consistent, but if it had gotten warmer I could've just left a few layers at my hostel and it would've worked out fine. There were a couple cold days, but it wasn't unbearable (the wind in Sunderland was a pain in the ass, though.) I was much less bothered at not having a change of clothes than I thought I'd be.

If I didn't like clothes so much, I could probably strip my wardrobe down to one dressy outfit, a couple sweaters and pairs of pants, and a few t-shirts--and be entirely comfortable with it.

Anyway, here's exactly what I packed:

And here's what I wore:

I also picked up this bag in Paris (which my laptop and sketch book promptly migrated to), but I wouldn't have needed it if I hadn't bought things while traveling:

So. Lesson learned--I am never packing extra clothes for a trip again (especially not one of the weekend or five-day trips I usually take) unless I'm going someplace filthy or there'll be an occasion where I need to dress up 8D.

Clothes Don't Wear You

I have lost hours looking at lolita and goth fashion on the internet and fantasizing about the pieces I'd buy if I only had the opportunity (and by opportunity I mean enough money and the ability to try a garment on to make sure it fits right--so basically, an offline store that actually sold the clothes I was looking at.) It got kind of emotionally exhausting, so I've quit doing it as much as I used to (or at least, quit doing the latter). There aren't really any stores in my home city that specialize in such styles (though there's still plenty to be found if one looks, especially in our excellent smattering of secondhand stores), so when I'm traveling and I find such stores, I get pretty excited at first.

Then a curious thing happens. Even when the quality is good (which often times, it isn't), I find that I don't actually like what I see all that much. The dresses may be cute, but not cute enough to be worth taking off my binder to fit into them. I may like the design of a shirt, but not enough to be willing to put up with the excessive lace. Even if I find a black flared skirt without an annoying print and with nice trim, I don't want to pay through the nose for it if I have to always be wearing something to cover up the elastic waist band.

I could settle for it because seems easier than making the garments I want myself. But since when is style something I should grudgingly accommodate? And is it really easier for me to save money to buy something than to sit down and make myself sew something decent looking? I've come a lot closer to the latter, but never really accomplished the former.

I realize I find far nicer clothes from my usual sources (though such finds are somewhat uncommon, at least there's a decent chance I'll find them because the stock is always changing and it could be anything from anywhere, not just what a few specific suppliers put out.) And even if I never find them second hand, I can make skirts like what I see, but with decent waistbands. I can make dresses that won't be all awkwardly baggy in the chest. With internet tutorials and cheap thrift store blouses to dissect, I could even make the kinds of shirts I want. It seems like a lot of effort, but it would really be much easier than to keep searching for the perfect garment from specialty stores with a limited selection AND come up with the money to pay for it. Which actually feels far more empowering than disappointing.

It reminds me that clothes don't wear me. I don't have to conform to their price tags and awkward sizing and less-than-gorgeous details. So I won't.

Uplifting Things #2

Oh, look, it's Monday again. Time for the beginning of a new semester for me and more uplifting things for you.

Music video: "The Kill" by The Dresden Dolls

The first time I watched this delightful fan video, I didn't even realize it wasn't official. Yay not paying attention to the credits XD.

Comics: Angel Sanctuary by Kaori Yuki

The art (not to mention the character designs) is beautiful enough for it to make it worth reading even when you can't keep track of the (nonetheless intriguing) plot =D.

Album: Hunky Dory by David Bowie

Contains some particularly lovely string sections and haunting lyrics (especially "Quicksand") balanced with bouncy songs like "Kooks" and "Fill Your Heart."

Movie: MirrorMask

A gorgeous movie made by the Jim Henson Company with a script by Neil Gaiman about a teenage circus juggler who gets pulled into the world of her own drawings by her parallel self, a spoiled princess who wants to escape the grasp of her overly-possessive mother.

Place: Mill Ruins Park, Minneapolis

Full of twisted metal remains and broken bits of brick walls from the mills that the city grew around, but probably the prettiest part is the little trickle of water from above the ruins and all the moss growing on the rocks where it lands, which always reminds me of the Bog of Eternal Stench.

21st Century Doublethink

 The era I live in is utterly fascinating. I'm also fascinated by the past several decades and centuries, but content with marveling at them from a distance. I love the clothes and music, and I especially love reading stories, all of which are available for more people in greater quantities than ever before. I also love traveling, which is easier now (and by now I really mean the past twenty or thirty years) than it ever has been.

I'm a vegetarian because I think slaughterhouses are abominations that shouldn't exist. I also largely try to buy secondhand clothing, partly because I don't like supporting companies whose manufacturers mistreat their workers to increase their profit because they can get away with such behavior in their country. I do this to try and feel a little bit more in control of my life and the effects of my actions, not because I think it actually makes much difference.

As you've probably assumed, I also still use fossil-fueled transport frequently (mostly public transit when available, car when there is no public transit and walking is too inconvenient) and buy food from supermarkets, some of which has been flown long distances and was grown with pesticides. Sometimes I also buy clothes new, even if they come from places where laborers are not sufficiently protected from their employers by the law. I could go on, but I think I've said enough.

I like to think of myself as a person who never does things that hurt others unless I absolutely need to, but I'm simply not. 

I'm not alone. The vast majority of my fellow humans (at least in the wealthier countries) are as guilty as I am. My actions are no worse than those of my peers, so they're largely socially acceptable. That isn't unreasonable--there isn't a whole lot we can do about this situation as individuals. I could do more than I actually do, sure, but I will never be truly free from this destructive economy until it collapses by itself. Why make myself miserable when the effect doesn't amount to much?

That's not an excuse to do nothing, of course. I do what seems like it has some miniscule chance of making a tiny difference, and I avoid doing things that make me feel guilty enough so I can ignore the consequences that I don't spend energy thinking about. I feel like a responsible person and continue to do irresponsible things when they suit me. Doublethink.

Uniquely industrial doublethink, I think. When else in human history have our collective actions as a species had such myriad negative consequences? Which brings me to my point. 

I'm not writing this to blame anyone, and it's not a confession, either. Everyone I know is more or less the same as me in this respect. A lot of what I've written feels so obvious it's hardly worth putting into words, actually. That's the thing, though. It rarely is put into words (outside activist and political contexts, at least.)

I'm not trying to persuade you to do x to make the world better or make you feel bad about yourself--merely acknowledging of the doublethink that pervades my thoughts, every single day. The same doublethink I think you must live with. Maybe not as much as me, or maybe more. But I think more people think this way than most of us would guess. We just don't talk about it. 

Not that talking about the doublethink is likely to make any more impact than avoiding meat or newly-manufactured stuff or other things that contribute to the destruction of our world as we know it (or at least more suffering than is necessary.) But it's better than ignoring it, I think.

Uplifting Things #1

Hello, internet. Here are five things that I usually find uplifting (I plan on posting five more every Monday, and for now probably posting something more--personal? I think?--every Thursday. So come back on Thursday please.) Before I list them off, I would like to also add that I have a rather warped sense of humor and rather less delicate sensibilities than some people. You might not actually find all of what I post uplifting (in fact, in some cases you may even find it disturbing or triggering.) That said, my tastes aren't that unusual, so I'm sure there are plenty of people who will enjoy what I decide to point at.

Film: The Hunger

The Hunger was released in 1983, based off the novel by Whitley Strieber. It's about an immortal vampire named Miriam and the people (two in particular) she chooses as her forever-young consorts. Or at least, that's what she tells them when she turns them. I have only seen this film once, but it managed to hold my attention the whole time without me wondering when it would be over, which is more than I can say for most films I watch. Aside from being interesting, it also has David Bowie, Bauhaus, and Susan Sarandon in it.

Album: Nude by The Irrepressibles

Nude is the second album released by The Irrepressibles. Instead of trying to explain what they sound like (words can be great for making one want to listen to something, but I think rarely do a good job actually describing music), I'll just say that when I first heard "New World", I actually felt the need to drop everything I was doing, close my eyes, and just listen. Which happens to me almost never. And then the same happened when I got my claws on the whole album. Another thing I admire about Jamie McDermott's (lead vocalist/composer/guitarist) songs, especially on this album, is the rawness of the emotion they convey while still sounding clean and without overexaggerating.

Comics: Khaos Komix

Khaos Komix was written and drawn by Tab Kimpton, and completed at the end of last year. He has a playfully snarky sense of humor and a strong talent for developing relatable, loveable characters and then putting them through emotional hell (things usually turn out okay in the end, but still.) It's also fun to see his own development both as an artist and as a writer as the series goes on (he started writing the series in his teens).

Music video: "The Lovecats" by The Cure

It's full of cats and Robert Smith. No further explanation necessary.

City: Liverpool

I'm not sure why I liked Liverpool so much. There isn't anything specific there that really grabs me (though the Tate is nice, and the Strawberry Field gates are cool even if they've been replaced with replicas). It just felt familiar and comfortable to me as soon as I stepped out of the train station even though I'd never been there in my life or even researched it much, and continued to feel oddly homelike for the couple days I stayed there. It's also just kinda pretty in an urban sort of way.