Morbid Curiousity

"'I want to see true form of the world, with my very own eyes―'

Shion bit his lip. No, he almost said out loud. It didn't feel right. It wasn't that he had lied... But he had decorated his words. Regret and resignation about the past weren't the only things that lay behind the reason for his wanting to know the truth.

Curiosity. No, it wasn't such a casual feeling; it was a deep-rooted desire. It roved in circles deep inside his chest. It was intrigue towards a world his imagination could not render. Interest in the unknown."

--Atsuko Asano (No. 6 vol. 6 p. 37)

Shion's morbid curiosity comes up fairly often throughout No. 6, but this seems to be the scene where he's most conscious of it (the quote, not the screencap). It's nice to see it elaborated on in the novels because I think I know the feeling, and it pervades my sense of humor as well as my interest. In fact, his intense interest in what his imagination cannot "render" seems like something that's probably pretty common among people as privileged as him. Since many stories that deal with poverty and oppression as closely as No. 6 seem to cater to this curiousity without examining it, Shion's insight in this scene (and Rat's reactions to Shion's curiousity throughout the series) is particularly refreshing.

When I say "morbid", I almost always mean it self-deprecatingly--I don't think my interest in things like decay and the dead that distress people (especially once they actually have to deal with it in their own life--I've never had to look at the wreckage of a building I used to use or lost anyone I was particularly attached to) are actually detrimental to my health or anyone else's. But I feel the need to call myself "morbid" or "warped" out of a sense of propriety--to acknowledge that other people find the things that amuse or interest me distressing, often for good reason.

Sometimes my curiousity is fueled by a sense of obligation to know about things--especially things that may have happened far away from me but that my actions could be affected by, such as slaughterhouses and working conditions in overseas manufacturing plants, or even things like the holocaust ("never again" and all that--not that I have much faith in my ability to make a difference, and to be frank whenever I think of what I've heard about conditions in North Korean prison camps this sentiment rings a bit false to me even though the situation in North Korea isn't the same as the situation with Germany in the '30s and '40s. At any rate, I'm not entirely sure how much actual resistance I'd put up in a situation like this. My first instinct is basically "run away".)

But other times I tend to romanticize things in a way that feels pretty inappropriate in the face of the pain other people have gone through because of poverty or death or mental/emotional instability. Part of the appeal probably comes from the freedom from wage slavery that homelessness (or even prostitution, though that's not something I'd choose at this point even if I wouldn't fault other people for doing so) comes with. There's a sense of adventure to it as well (dunno if I'd still get that sense after actually experiencing it, though--I'm sure most homeless people don't.)

Romanticizing things also seems to help me avoid being afraid of them, and although fear can be a useful instinct, I have no use for it myself--I feel that anything that could genuinely hurt me is something I have no control over, so there's no point clouding my thoughts with fear of it. And most things that actually make me afraid are things that I'm better off being able to clearly think through. So I cover myself in raggedy, spooky clothes and gawk at dying buildings and write stories about people lost in grief and insecurity. And it makes me more content than I would be otherwise.

In No. 6, Shion mostly takes the reality Rat shows him pretty well. Sure, he stumbles from time to time, but he survives and manages to stay "human" (with some blips--haven't quite finished the novels as of this post, but I'm guessing something similar to what happens in episode 10 of the anime happens at some point). I can't help but wonder how I would compare if I were to choose homelessness in this world. I wouldn't have a guide like Shion, but I can see more of that world from my current privileged position than Shion could and make a more informed choice than he did. And there's much more overlap between the two worlds in my situation. But even so.