On Discipline

I'm not even discipline is the right word here, really. I can be disciplined--when it doesn't take effort. Effort might be an even better word here. Perhaps shame or guilt would work, too.

Anyway. Part of why I started this blog was to make myself get into a habit of writing something that I wouldn't be embarassed to post in public at least once a week (twice, when convenient--if not convenient and also not Thursday, then time for another round of uplifting things). Before that I'd been writing fiction in spurts that didn't come often enough (or at least, not without the motivation of definite outsider feedback via creative writing classes) and occasionally ranting into my keyboard to make myself feel better. Most of the latter is either horrendously confusing for anyone else to read, or embarassingly private, or both, but every once in awhile I'd feel like I'd figured something out that I could turn into a decent piece for others to read.

That's kind of boring, though. Let's try again. Discipline. Or effort. I'll start there. I've very rarely needed to put much effort into anything. And even when I should have, that doesn't mean I necessarily did (*coughpianocoughcough*). When it comes to classes, I simply have to make myself do things. The things themselves aren't usually that hard, just time consuming and intimidating enough to make me procrastinate a lot. I almost always get them done, though. I guess that's discipline. Discipline can be pretty easy for me, especially when it comes to school work on subjects I like.

Effort, however, is a pretty big weak spot for me. As I write this, I realize posting here regularly is in fact discipline. Even if I had to go with a rather weasely topic since I'm a mere forty minutes away from my first potentially late post, once I started and I had something to write about, the words just started coming out. A bit disjointedly, but still.

Shame is probably the biggest motivator for me to put effort into things (that, and looking cool. Don't worry, I am my own definition of cool, but that doesn't mean it doesn't take effort to live up to it.) The shame of letting people down by not being able to play a part right or not putting in the same amount of effort as they are at something that benefits me. The embarassment from misunderstanding what someone says. The guilt that comes from letting myself down by not doing something I told myself (or someone else) I would do.

Anyway. Unlike fiction excerpts, this is one get-out-of-jail-free card I intend to never use again. Unless I have some sort of amazing epiphany and come up with something absolutely dazzling on the subject. But I kind of doubt that. Until Thursday?